There is a decay going on in the dating pool. A decay. What exactly are we doing in the name of love these days? Now, I heard some of you have started doing something I genuinely need to ask you about. You are dating without tags. No branding.

Wait first. You know how we have branded things and unbranded things?

Shoes. Bags. Clothes. Perfumes. Cars. Watches. Everything. There are designers. There are non-designers. Not that the non-designers don’t have origins o. Before somebody comes to give me a lecture. But there is usually something that tells you what you are looking at.

You know what it is. You can identify it. You can call it what it is.

But apparently, when it comes to relationships, some of you have decided that branding is no longer necessary. Ah.

So this person is calling you every morning. You are talking all day.

You know where he is. He knows where you are. You know his childhood story. He knows your family drama. You have discussed marriage. You have prayed together. You have met his friends. He has met yours. You are emotionally attached. You are behaving like a couple. Everybody around you knows something is going on.

But if somebody asks, “So, what are you two?” You suddenly become a philosopher.

“We are just seeing where things go.” Seeing where things go to where, please?

My sister. My brother. What exactly are we doing here?

I heard that some of you have allowed somebody to remove the tag from you in the name of love. This is where I want to lovingly disturb you.

You, you, whose personal Lord and Saviour came, died, rose again, looked at you and said, “You are Mine.” You who were created in love. You who were made in the image and likeness of God. You who carry an identity before any man or woman ever notices you.

How did you now enter somebody’s life and agree to become unbranded?

Come on. You can do better than that. You don’t need somebody to put a designer label on you before you know your worth. That is not what I mean.

I’m saying something much simpler: Love should not require you to become undefined. If we are together, what are we? If we are getting to know each other intentionally, what are we doing? If you are not ready for a relationship, why are you collecting the privileges of one? if you know you want a relationship with this person, why are you both pretending that naming it is somehow going to make the whole thing collapse?

Let’s talk.

Because somewhere along the line, we started calling confusion freedom.

We started calling lack of commitment “going with the flow.”

We started calling undefined relationships “no pressure.”

Meanwhile, somebody is catching feelings, somebody is making plans, somebody is getting attached, somebody is praying about a future that has never actually been agreed upon.

And then one day: “But I never said you were my girlfriend.” Sir.

Anyway. Let us enter this matter properly. And I have questions.

So, What Exactly Is a Situationship?

Let’s first agree on something. Not every relationship without a title is a situationship.

Sometimes two people are genuinely getting to know each other. There is intentionality. There are conversations. There is a direction. There may not be a boyfriend/girlfriend title yet, but both people know what they are exploring.

That is different.

A situationship is when the relationship has all the activities of a relationship, but none of the responsibility or clarity that comes with one. You are emotionally invested. You are available. You are loyal. You are checking in. You are making sacrifices. You are behaving like a partner. But when it is time to define the relationship, suddenly everybody has amnesia. “Why do we have to label it?”

My dear, nobody is asking you to print a wedding programme. We are asking what we are calling this thing. labels are not the enemy. Sometimes, a label simply gives language to what already exists.

If you are my friend, I should know you are my friend. If we are dating, I should know we are dating. If we are intentionally getting to know each other for marriage, we should both know that is what we are doing. If you don’t want a relationship with me, please tell me. I promise, the earth will continue rotating. You may break my heart, but at least I will know where I stand.

What becomes dangerous is when one person knows exactly what they want while the other person keeps everything vague enough to keep receiving access. this is where I want us to be honest. Some of you are not confused. You know. You know this person isn’t pursuing you properly. You know there is no real direction. You know you have been having the same conversation for six months. You know every time you ask where this is going, you receive another beautiful paragraph with absolutely no destination. You know. But you stay because you like them. And I understand.

Liking somebody can make you very generous with explanations.

Suddenly, things that would normally concern you become things you are “giving time.” You start interpreting crumbs as signs. You start calling inconsistency “he’s busy.” You start calling emotional unavailability “he has been through a lot.” You start calling your own anxiety “I just really like him.” Hmm. My dear.

Love should make room for wisdom too. before anybody says, “But Big Sis, what if they are genuinely unsure?” Then let them be unsure. Their uncertainty does not have to become your permanent residence.

Someone can genuinely like you and still not be ready for what you want.

Someone can care about you and still not be the person you should build with.

Someone can enjoy your company and still not intend to marry you.

Someone can be a good person and still be the wrong person for you.

These things can all be true at the same time. knowing that will save you from trying to convince somebody to become certain about you.

You don’t need to audition for commitment. You don’t need to become smaller so somebody will feel comfortable choosing you. You don’t need to perform girlfriend duties while waiting for somebody to decide whether you qualify for the title.

Please.

What are we doing here?

Before We Even Get Here, What Did We Agree?

Maybe we need to start earlier. Before the feelings become serious. Before the 11:47 p.m. calls. Before you start saving their pictures. Before you know their mother’s birthday. Before you start telling your friends, “There is this person…”

What did you both agree to?

sometimes we enter these things without having one proper conversation.

You like me. I like you. We enjoy each other’s company. We talk. We keep talking. We keep talking some more. Then six months later, we are asking questions that should have been asked in week two.

My dear, please ask. What are we doing? Are we friends?

Are we getting to know each other?

Are we dating?

Are we intentionally exploring a relationship?

Are we both open to marriage?

What does this mean to you?

What are you looking for?

What am I looking for?

You don’t have to interrogate somebody like EFCC.

But you do need to have conversations. clarity at the beginning can save you from confusion in the middle.

If you genuinely want friendship, say friendship. There is nothing shameful about being friends.

If you want to date, say you want to date. If you are getting to know each other without knowing where it will lead, say that too.

At least both people are standing on the same ground. The problem is not always that there is no label.

The problem is when two people are operating with different definitions while pretending they are doing the same thing.

One person thinks, “We are building towards something.” The other person thinks, “Let’s just enjoy ourselves until something better comes along.”

Now someybody is crying. Please.

So, Are There Pros to a Situationship?

Let’s be fair. Yes. There can be some things people enjoy about it.

• You have companionship without the responsibility of commitment.
• You get to know someone without immediately putting a formal relationship structure around it.
• There is room to observe someone.
• You can learn how they communicate, how they handle pressure, how they treat people, how consistent they are.

But here’s the problem:

Those same benefits can exist in intentional dating without the confusion.

You don’t need a situationship to get to know someone. You need time, honesty, boundaries, friendship, wisdom and intentionality.

Now the cons? Where do we begin?

• You can become emotionally attached without knowing whether the other person is committed.
• You can give relationship-level access to someone who has made no relationship-level commitment.
• You can begin making decisions around someone who has made no decision about you.
• You can lose time.
• You can lose peace.
• You can become physically intimate while emotionally uncertain.
• You can start defending behaviour you would normally recognise as unhealthy.
• You can become so attached to the potential of the relationship that you stop paying attention to its reality.
• the biggest one: You can slowly become comfortable with being undefined.

That one concerns me. Because what you tolerate repeatedly can eventually become what you think you deserve. And I don’t want that for you.

Now Let’s Talk About God

This is where I want us to look at something deeper.Look at your relationship with God. Is God relating with you as a situationship? No. Imagine God saying:

“Let’s just see how this goes.”

“I like you, but I’m keeping my options open.”

“You are my child, but I don’t want to put a label on it yet.”

Please. God has never been confused about who you are to Him.

He calls you His.

He gives you identity.

He gives you direction.

He corrects you.

He loves you.

He makes His expectations known.

He doesn’t keep you hanging around as a bypass.

He doesn’t keep you as a standby.

He doesn’t say, “Let me keep this one around until an obedient child comes along.”

So why are we comfortable giving people the exact kind of treatment we would never accept from God? our relationships should always be examined through what we are learning from our relationship with God.

Not copied blindly God is God, we are people but the character of love we learn from Him should shape the way we love people.

God doesn’t use you as a placeholder.

God doesn’t keep you around just in case.

God doesn’t ask you to prove yourself worthy of being chosen.

God is not dangling affection over your head while waiting for somebody better to arrive. So please, don’t become that person to somebody else.

And Please, Don’t Be Saul.

This one is for somebody. Don’t be Saul in a relationship.

Saul wanted God’s approval after disobedience.

He wanted Samuel to honour him.

He wanted the people to see that everything was still okay.

Meanwhile, God had already chosen David. Saul was trying to hold on to a position God was moving away from. Don’t do that to somebody.

Don’t keep somebody beside you because you are afraid of being alone while secretly waiting for the person you actually want.

Don’t keep somebody in your life as a backup plan.

Don’t say, “I’m not ready for a relationship,” while expecting them to behave like your partner.

Don’t keep collecting their affection while hoping another person will eventually come along.

And don’t make somebody compete for a position you have already decided you don’t want to give them. That is not love.

You don’t have to choose somebody simply because they chose you.

But if you know you don’t want them, release them. Let them go and find the person who will choose them freely.

Because you don’t want to be Saul, holding somebody hostage in a position God never asked them to occupy. And you certainly don’t want to be somebody’s Saul either.

So before you enter another relationship, another talking stage, another “let’s see where this goes” arrangement, ask the questions.

Define what you are doing. Be honest about what you want. Give the other person enough truth to make an informed decision about whether they want to stay.

Love can be mysterious. But please don’t make it unnecessarily confusing.

Don’t assume. Don’t fill in the blanks with hope.

Don’t give somebody a relationship they never asked for, then get angry when they don’t behave like your partner.

Don’t accept relationship privileges while refusing relationship responsibility.

Most importantly, don’t forget who you are.

You are not somebody’s placeholder.

You are not somebody’s backup plan.

You are not “until something better comes.”

You are God’s beloved before you are anybody’s beloved.

So love well. Choose well. Be clear.

Give people the dignity of knowing where they stand with you.

And if you are currently in a situationship, I am not judging you.

I am simply asking you to go and have the conversation.

What exactly are we doing here? if the answer is not what you hoped for, may God give you the courage to accept it without trying to negotiate yourself into somebody’s heart.

Until next Wednesday

Your Big Sister in Love is still here.